CONFESSION: Today I am struggling.
I mean, if I am completely honest I have been struggling for a long time now, but I put on this face of strength and bravery daily. I drown myself in work, motherhood and a social life so as to push these feelings away.
2021 has been an epic shit show, for lack of better verbiage. Days before my 29th birthday our marriage was blown up by infidelity. He left. He came back. He left again. There went 7 years of my life. There went 7 years of pouring in to someone, of investing in to our life together. We found and served God together, and then we got lost in the world again. I like to think that if we didn't have a business together or a beautiful daughter that this would be so much easier to just be done with, but honestly I don't know. He was my person. He was my bestfriend. He was the one person I ran to with everything: good, bad, funny, random. He was my person, and then he wasn't.
My problem? I am (or was) still trying to make life easier for him. I was still trying to be his friend. I did what I could to include him in family things "for the sake of our daughter" I would say, but was it for her or was it for me? Every single time I would cut him out, he would reel me back in with tiny glimmers of hope. I am sick of it. I have made myself sick from eating crumbs of the good of him. He can't see how I am vomiting the last of this hope because now there is nothing left to swallow but the truth. The matter at hand: he will not let me go, but I need to stop letting him stay. He has no reason to let me go. He has the best of all worlds. I still provide benefit to his life and of course he wants to keep it. Why would he be willing to give me what I need when I am so freely allowing him to do absolutely nothing and still benefit? No more.
I am teaching myself, by the grace of God, to be mindful of my triggers with him and guard myself of them. The last 6 months haven't been a complete mess. Since I have lost him, I have found myself. I have allowed myself to just be. I have fallen in love with transformation of my body and my physical health. But I know that now more than I ever I need to focus on my mental and spiritual health so that I can continue being the best version of myself for my daughter and for me.
I can't tell you how many times in the last 6 months I have thrown all my problems, anxieties and fears at the cross and said "Father, fix it. Take my life, take my anxiety and just let your will be done." I can't tell you how many times I have done that, but just as many times as I have, I have gone back to pick them all up again and try aimlessly to fix it myself.
This is where I let go. This is where I leave you.
I have made a promise to myself and to our Father to open up His word Daily.
To open it to whatever He needs to speak over my heart. This was today's word.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents.
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