Para decirte la verdad, no quería ir en este viaje.
My entire trip had been paid for since April, but in the last few weeks life had just been a constant push and pull. I was unsure if my absence would cause any further disruption in my already chaotic life.
And then on top of that, the guilt of a mother was looming over my heart. I was worried about leaving Carson behind because it would mean that I was not in control. It would mean that I would have to fall back on others for support and above all TRUST that she would be in good hands.
In the days leading up to my trip, it felt as though anything that could go wrong would most certainly go wrong. For one, I almost didn't have a job (more on that later... maybe), broken trust (for the 798th time), my car battery decided it wanted to give out...oh, and Carson got sick the literal day before I was going to leave her.
How in the world could I possibly leave the country and rest assured that everything was going to be fine?
"GO. Just go. You deserve this. You NEED this."- Literally everyone.
What do they know? *insert eye roll here*
How can anyone know what I need more than I do?
I knew these issues would still be home when I got back, but the hardest part for me was having faith that my daughter would be okay. Her father is so good to her, and her grandparents are an amazing added support, but there is always going to be that anxiety. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more for God to grant me the faith that Jochebed had when releasing Moses in to the flow of the Nile river. My heart was eased some and I left it all with HIM.
Our first day in Mexico City I was quickly humbled by the creator. Standing up top Torre Latinoamericana, I felt so incredibly small. In one of the largest cities in the world, surrounded by mountains all of my problems and anxieties were minimized to almost nothing.
At dinner that evening was a woman singing her best rendition of Jenni Rivera's "No llega el olvido." I don't know if it was the "Hi, my name is Michelle and this is my 5th drink in Mexico City" or just the stronghold grasp of heart ache but my face got hot as I tried (and failed) to hold back tears.
"No llega el olivdo...mientras yo me muero." That is fucking sad. SAD. No. Nope. This was not going to be my trip and most importantly this was not going to be my life. It was in this moment I decided that I was not going to waste this opportunity. I was going to enjoy myself, change my perspective and welcome everything and anything that God has in store for me.
On our 2nd day we had a roof top breakfast overlooking Teotihuacan and the view of those pyramids was already beautiful. I was already in awe, but it's as if God himself was saying to me: "you think that's good? Wait till you see how much more I have in store for you."
Walking out of breakfast we were greeted by our guides for the day, 1 dirt bike and 2 four-seat RZRs. We were going to be driving these up the side of Cerro Gordo to its peak. As fast as fear was beginning to rise I shut it down. "GO. Just go. You deserve this. You NEED this."
Y ahi fuimos.
My heart was racing, my adrenaline was in overdrive but it was so exhilarating. When I stepped out of the RZR at the top of Cerro Gordo, and our guide pointed out the 2 small triangles below as the pyramids I was in complete amazement. We took a dozen and half photos of course, but once all our photo ops fizzled out I wanted to take a page out Jesus' book and go be alone to pray on the mountain top (or in this case volcano). It was in this moment I distinctly heard HIM: "Didn't I tell you. I told you I have so much more in store for you, and this...this landscape does not even begin to graze it. Trust me."
Something happened at the top of Cerro Gordo...something more than a group of 7 friends laughing and having the time of their lives. I felt a literal breakthrough in my perspective and in my life. I felt a release of the strongholds within me and I felt the page turn on to a whole new chapter.
Day's 3 and 4 were an absolute blast as well, but not everything needs to be documented. #IYKYK
I was going to miss out on this because I was needing to be a helicopter mom? I was going to miss out on this experience and breakthrough because my car battery was dead back home? or because things might not go exactly how I want them to?
It felt so good to not worry and felt even better to not be in control at every single step and I vow to myself to take these feelings and this approach in life from this point forward.
